fallacy

There’s a strange kind of fallacy,
about my sense of inadequacy,
that I have so much love
that I’d give away happily,
to everyone that I know,
until there’s none left,
But for some reason I struggle,
to give that love to myself.

It’s a bittersweet truth
we don’t want to have spoken,
like fears over promises
we risk having broken,
So we fold in our corners
to avoid being hurt,
and rely too much on others
to define our own worth.

We make ourselves sick
with insecurities and stress,
forget things about ourselves
we used to like best.
Losing sleep over questions
that we don’t have the answers,
like “Who are you really?”
and “What are you after?”

Drown in uncertainty
under the weight of decisions,
convinced that by choosing
there’s something else that we’re missing.
But you are more than the fears
that you see in the mirror,
you are a vision of love
that will start to get clearer.

Trusting your heart is at once never easy,
when we constantly struggle
to define our meaning,
But believe in the universe,
in its power and grace,
trust that your pieces will all fall into place.

Be at peace with the things
you thought would not change,
remove all your shadows
so only light will remain.
Our pasts do not own us,
we are not our mistakes,
All that matters
is who we choose to be today.

 

The real price of freedom

It is strangely fascinating
how much freedom we barter away
for the sake of
comfort and convenience
how easily we count up currencies
yet the conversion we care least about
is the cost of time

You are not your habits
or your attachments
your shiny objects
your wants
or your fears

I spent so much time
boxing myself into
an idea
of who I thought I was
and now here I am
trading in 8 years
worth of blackened lungs
for a breath of fresh air

When you actively decide
to change yourself
you realize that everyday of your life
is a choice
there is so much power
in the time you take back
to do what you really want
to be someone different
than who you were yesterday

 

I never thought I’d be writing about this for people to read, but it struck me as one of the few things I might actually write that would benefit someone reaching a similar crossroads. 17 days ago I smoked my last cigarette, and I believe it is the longest I’ve gone without one in, give or take, the last 8 years. For anyone that knows me, my relationship with tobacco is my longest and most committed. Hell, I obviously love them so much I included them in the title of my poetry book. Cigarettes were not just a “bad habit” for me, there was something ritualistic about it that I always loved — the moments I took for myself to be alone, to think, and to usually write. And no, I was never not aware of the health risks — people do worse things to themselves everyday — and I do believe we have the autonomy to make our own choices over our bodies.

But recent circumstances have reinforced the one thing I thought I knew all along: that it doesn’t matter how much money you have or how accomplished you are, if you don’t have your health, you literally have nothing. So no, this isn’t a New Years resolution or some patronizing PSA, though I’m sorry if it sounds like one. What I mean to bring attention to, is the concept of choice.

Making a commitment to lose weight or eat better or not smoke — and in an even more meaningful sense, when we make commitments to make more art, to be more outspoken, to get more in touch with ourselves — it is not about the actual intention you are setting forth, as much as the power of making that choice in the moment. Discipline isn’t about being hard on yourself, but realizing that as the creator of your own reality, we are actively choosing what we do, every moment of our lives. “Depriving” yourself of something you think you need, or something that has come to define an aspect of your life, is not easy. However, it is more feasible than we sometimes allow ourselves to believe.

On that note, I am actively interested in healing my relationship with tobacco, by educating myself on the history of it amongst indigenous peoples as plant medicine. Rather than abuse it, I would like to incorporate it into my life as a form of sacred cleansing and ritual. For friends who have information or contacts about this kind of practice, please forward whatever you can my way. As always, if you got this far, thanks for reading.

Sunset mantra

Let happiness heal you, in all the ways it knows how,
a way of becoming that only time will allow,

Observe the pattern of the universe, in the chime of a bell,
in the flutter of a bird’s wings, in the shape of a shell,

Breathe through your lungs, feel the earth like a stone,
drink sacred water to light fire in your bones.

You are not merely flesh, pumped to life with only blood,
you are mountains of memories, carved of chaos, called to love.

Seek not your imperfections, but the beauty you entail,
your secret subtleties that hide the bliss behind the veil.

You are constantly creating the person you become,
A force to be reckoned with, not known to just the young.

To know yourself is to love yourself, the truth that must be written,
to sell your soul, to feel your whole, was not sold to us as fiction.

So continue causing galaxies across the universe,
create positive vibrations with a future you re-word.

You are more than just a moment someone taught you to rehearse,
you contain divine intention that can truly change the world.

Photo c/o Jonathan H. Lee 

Of loss & love

Remember that loss is just as much a part of life as love.

Do not let the weathered storms make you weary, but recognize the unfathomable majesty of the ocean in the salt of your tears.

Celebrate the darkest winters, each brittle brown leaf that fell from the tree, as much as the rains of the new spring, the birth of new life from the ground beneath your feet.

Life is nothing but the endless cycle of destruction and creation, from the beginning to cremation. 

I am molded by every love that has filled my life with meaning, even the ones that have left.

I accept death the same way the tides recede and return to the shore, and I love everything in this life the same way the sun gives life to a flower without asking anything in return. 

Hey kid

Hey kid, I hope you realize being cool on the internet doesn’t actually mean anything.

So stop measuring your self-worth in non-existent binary and start asking yourself what really matters.

Do you know the color of your own happiness? Is it a burning red, or a brilliant blue, serene green cascade or a sunset yellow?

Do you know how to be alone without the click of a camera shutter?

Do you know what your identity looks like, when it’s not listed as resume bullet points?

Do you know how loud your heartbeat is in complete silence?

Do you recognize the salt of the ocean in the drops of your tears?

Do you know how to love a stranger?

Do you know how to give to someone who owes you nothing?

Do you know how to be yourself when no one’s watching?

The things we ask ourselves 

I am up to my ears in debt,

To a country that did not make me,
Only molded me into something,
That does not really fit in any one place,
For too long,

The bottoms of my feet burn,
For bare ground and distant beaches,
And mountains that are good at keeping secrets,

I do not know how,
To chip away at my edges,
Make myself smaller or easier to swallow,

I only know how to smile through sadness,
Detach myself from the sorrows of the world,
Because nowadays I just can’t bear it.

Maybe I am more selfish now,
For preferring to hide behind false altruism,
Instead of taking action,

I walk the world in a war torn fashion,
These wasted passions,
Give me everything, yet lead me nowhere.

I used to envy birds,
That flew wherever the wind took them,
But now I know how to the follow the wind,
Better than I know the inside of my own heart.

Why must I wander, I wonder?

A useless question, with the best intentions.
I am just another young woman condemning herself to a beautiful, solemn, solitude.