Wanderer

We were a dry throat love
Clammy hands and hanging threads
That could never reach far enough
To tie together

I wonder if you forgot me
I’ve fought the urge to mention something to you

But the truth is

I live in cotton candy fantasies made of your closed mouthed smiles
When really the reality is lonely airport gates and
Calloused palms with unattractive finger tips because
I never learned to stop biting my nails

You see
This isn’t an emotion I can explain clearly

Only figments I can piece together to express a feeling
I’m not really lost
I’m wandering purposefully
The way a fisherman follows a north star when he’s lost at sea
Or how moths follow flames to their deaths

I don’t know where I expect my footsteps to lead me
But I find happiness in the process of walking
And it took me months of being alone to realize
I don’t think I’ve actually ever been in love

But I think loneliness builds strength the same way
Landslides erode mountains and
Splitting atoms creates energy

I wish I knew how to write like I meant it all the time
But I love the world too much that sometimes I don’t know how to be honest about it

If there’s something I’ve learned
It’s that wasting time weighing the consequences of decisions
Can make your heart too heavy to carry and
Slow paced solitude is better than
Hesitant kisses with your eyes open

So I’ll keep moving unashamed and unapologetic
Do not shun yourself
Do not promise yourself perfection
It’s just a 10 letter word for poison

Let life chip away at your edges
The same way carpenters carve wood or
Ice ages form canyons or
Exploding stars create galaxies

I’ll keep coming up with euphemisms for transformation
Sparing thoughts for all the loves that could’ve been
While I walk alone across the world
A solitary celebration
For my ever-changing soul

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